


The Kibble Mystery

by alkjira



Series: Animal AUs [1]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pet!AU, animal!au, modern!AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-28
Updated: 2013-10-13
Packaged: 2017-12-24 23:08:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/945769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Starring Kíli, Fíli and Bilbo the Welsh Corgi. And others... *points to the Mystery part of the title as well as the tags*</p><p>And the author is apparently not done with weird AUs by a long shot. But hey, at least this is actually finished.</p><p>Not betaed, one-shot. (um, a one shot which now has a second chapter. Yeah, I know...)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hate titles, so much.

There was something strange going on, Kíli thought as he looked down at the little metal bowl that held Bilbo’s kibble. If something strange _hadn’t_ been going on, a more apt description would have been to say that the bowl _should_ have held Bilbo’s food, because usually it was gone mere minutes after Kíli had filled the bowl. Now it was hours later, and about half of the small brown nuggets was still distinctly uneaten.  
  
“Fíli,” Kíli called over his shoulder. “I think I need to take Bilbo to the vet for a check-up.”  
  
“What?” Fíli poked his head into the kitchen. “What’s wrong with him?”  
  
His ears must have been burning, because a moment later Bilbo trotted into the kitchen; nails clicking cheerfully against the laminate. He looked healthy enough, Kíli supposed, and it wasn’t like he couldn’t stand to lose a pound or two, because even for a Welsh Corgi he was rather stout, but he had _never_ seen Bilbo leave food before, and he told Fíli as much.  
  
They both observed how Bilbo glanced at his food and how he then pointedly looked away.  
  
“So I think I should have them check him out, just in case. I’ll phone and make an appointment.”  
  
“Yeah, maybe,” Fíli agreed and hunched down to tussle Bilbo’s short fur. “Do you have the money for it?”  
  
“It’s fine, I can take it out of the scholarship money for now, I already talked to Bofur about some extra shifts at the coffee shop. I was planning on saving up for a new phone, but I guess me and a touch screen is not meant to be.”  
  
“Wuff!” Bilbo remarked as he flopped down on Fíli’s feet.  
  
“I know,” Kíli smiled. “But still,” he nudged the bowl with his foot. “You sure you’re not hungry?”  
  
“Maybe you should wait a few days,” Fíli suggested when Bilbo just ignored them. “He might just be in a funk or something.”  
  
“I guess.” Kíli bent down and gathered up the small white and brown dog who cheerfully started to wash his face for him.  
  
“Stop that,” Kíli scolded. “I know all too well where that tongue has been, don’t think I don’t.”  
  
-  
  
The next morning when Kíli went to fill the bowl, it was empty and the young man grinned as he poured more kibble into it. However, when Kíli came back from Uni that afternoon, the bowl was again only half-empty.  
  
“Maybe he’s finally realised that he’s a dog and not a hoover?” Fíli said without looking up from his notes.  
  
“He stared at me the entire time I was eating my hamburger,” Kíli told his brother, hand stroking over Bilbo’s silky ears. “And he never begs. He’s hungry, so I don’t know why he doesn’t just eat.”  
  
“Diet?” the blond snickered, but he stopped when he heard his brother sigh. “If you’re really worried, then ring the vet. I’ll pay for half of it, awesome brother that I am. But then you’re cooking the next time Professor Balin decides to make my life miserable with his essays.”  
  
“Deal,” Kíli said, looking down at his furry little friend. Bilbo looked back and licked his hand.  
  
-  
  
The vet couldn’t find anything wrong, and pointed out that Bilbo _really_ could lose a few pounds without any harm being done. Somehow the dog seemed to take this personally, and for the rest of the day Bilbo was in a grand huff, only rising from his little doggy bed when absolutely necessary. The food remained in the bowl.  
  
-  
  
“Maybe it’s the heat?” Ori suggested. “It is awfully hot. I’ve been sleeping with my window open for the entire week.”  
  
They were sitting in the library, which was one of few places on campus which actually had air conditioning, and while Ori might have ended up there anyway, Kíli had to admit that part of the lure for him was indeed the blessedly cool air. And the company of course.  
  
“Yeah, so has Fíli. Mum’s already scolded him twice about open windows and burglars. I don’t know how she knew he had the window open, being across the bloody continent and all, but I guess that’s just part of her super powers.”  
  
“That’s the good thing about living on the eight floor,” Ori grinned. “Burglars just aren’t _that_ dedicated in our part of town.”  
  
“Apparently not in ours either as we remain decidedly unburglared even on the first floor.”  
  
For a while they sat in silence; Ori studying and Kíli pretending to study when he actually tried to count all the cute little freckles on Ori’s nose.  
  
“Maybe I should try getting one of those electrical fans,” Kíli remarked idly after losing count for the third time. “If it doesn’t help Bilbo then I can always use it.”  
  
_  
  
It didn’t help Bilbo who almost got his tail stuck in it. And then he  kept to growling at the fan whenever he saw it. If the fan had been capable of caring about such things, it was still doubtful it would have been very impressed as Bilbo’s growl was about as threatening as a handkerchief. Even so, in the name of domestic peace Kíli banished the fan to the bathroom, a place that Bilbo already avoided as he didn’t want to give anyone the idea that a bath was needed.  
  
It went on like this for a week. Every day Kíli filled the bowl. Every day Bilbo ate about half of the kibble and by the next morning the bowl was completely empty. The occasional mournful glance Bilbo sent Kíli and Fíli while they ate morphed into full out pleading puppy-dog eyes; leaving both brothers in a state of semi-permanent guilt even though they knew that people food wasn’t really good for dogs, and even though they could see Bilbo’s half-full bowl on the kitchen floor.  
  
“Sumthin’ ‘eeds  to be done ‘bout this,” Fíli declared as he hurriedly stuffed the rest of his lasagna into his mouth. On the floor Bilbo let out a huge sigh and moved to lie between Kíli’s feet instead, peering hopefully up at him. “What if you keep him in your room tonight so he can’t eat the food, and then maybe he’ll eat the entire thing tomorrow morning?”  
  
“Can’t exactly hurt,” Kíli said and forced himself to not put his plate down on the floor.

-  
  
The next morning the bowl was empty and Kíli frowned down at Bilbo who wagged his tail and went to snuffle up the remaining crumbs.  
  
“Something strange is _definitely_ going on,” Kíli muttered, knowing very well that Bilbo had spent the entire night in his room. He had been restless for a while, but a corgi had to be pretty damned restless before he managed to open doors or walk through walls.  
  
-  
  
The following night Kíli made camp in the kitchen.  
  
Whatever was eating that food, he was going to be there to see it. He invited Fíli to join him but his brother had no sense of adventure and preferred to spend the night actually sleeping. Sleeping was for the weak, and for those without a coffee machine within easy reach.  
  
It was close to 2 am when Kíli heard the soft sound of claws against the floor. At first he thought it was Bilbo, but since the dog was again stuck in Kílis room for the night it couldn’t be him. The sound was also too faint for it to be about 35 pounds of Corgi.  
  
Holding his breath Kíli saw how a shadow unfurled itself from the dark hallways and slunk into the kitchen.  
  
It revealed itself to be a cat. A huge cat, easily the size of Bilbo and perhaps even a bit larger and it made short work of the remaining food. After it had finished eating it looked around, but it struck Kíli as more of a searching glance and not a wary one.  
  
It didn’t look like the cat had a collar, but that didn’t necessarily mean that it was homeless. Perhaps this was just a hobby, going into strange houses and convincing the pets to give up part of their food.  
  
Kíli frowned when he realised that he didn’t know if Bilbo had done it voluntarily or if the large black cat had bullied the Corgi into it. He got his answer shortly after when the cat let out a questioning meow which was almost immediately answered with a couple of short yips from behind Kíli’s bedroom door. That was the same sound Bilbo made when Kíli came home after having been away for a few days so apparently Bilbo rather liked this cat.

Bilbo had always had a big heart so perhaps it shouldn't be a surprise than even a giant of a cat managed to fit in there.  
  
The feline in question seemed a little confused when no dog appeared, and after a few more minutes he crept out of the kitchen in the direction of Fíli’s bedroom.  
  
The open window, Kíli realised. That was how the cat got in an out.  
  
When he let Bilbo out of his bedroom the Corgi immediately took off towards the kitchen, nosing at the empty bowl, tail wagging all the while. It wilted a little when the dog realised that the cat had already left, and Bilbo looked up at Kíli as if seeking an explanation.  
  
“You know dog food isn’t really good for your little friend,” Kíli told him and Bilbo wuffed at him and set about licking up the crumbs the cat had left. Lost in thought Kíli went to get the bag of kibble and dumped a scoop into the bowl to Bilbo’s surprised delight.  
  
-  
  
The next night there was two bowls in the kitchen, one with Bilbo’s regular kibble, and one with something that the can had declared would be 'what his cat deserved', which to Kíli sounded more like a threat than anything else, especially considering the way it smelled.  
  
-  
  
A week after that, (and after two more nightly expeditions, bribery in the form of tuna _and_ ham, and the pleading looks from Bilbo which for once worked in Kíli’s favour) their flat had a new occupant. The cat liked curling up around Bilbo, tuna and sleeping on Fíli’s laptop, in that order, and seemed to have few ambitions beyond that. Though since the cat was a cat Kíli would not have been surprised if it had secret ambitions to conquer the world, or at least a small part of it.  
  
He (because that was what a hasty peek had revealed the cat as) wasn’t marked or tagged, and upon closer inspection his dark fur had more than a couple of burrs caught up in it. Add to that that his ribs were just a little too prominent for it to be healthy and Kíli hadn't had to try very hard to convince Fíli that they needed to keep him. Especially when it seemed that their new friend didnt mind staying.   
  
He was skittish whenever they had company, (even Ori was treated with a good deal of mistrust) and the visit to the vet was better forgotten entirely… but for some reason he didn’t mind when Kíli or Fíli petted him. His purr was a deep raspy thing, and he never sounded happier than when he could flop all over Bilbo like a lumpy black blanket.  
  
They decided to call him Thorin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so close to naming this "The Cat Burglar" but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. /o\
> 
> This really isn’t very much in character, and I think them being a dog and cat and not having any lines might have something to do with it...  
> But I really had to write this. I got the below link from a friend and this was the first thing I thought of. 
> 
> Because you known doggy!Bilbo would share his food with Thorin the stray. The first time they met Bilbo would even feel bad about not having anything to offer Thorin, so he'd tell him to come back the next night. And Thorin, who was expecting the little dog to bark loud enough to bring down the roof (he was just so hungry and the window was open, and he didn't want to steal, but he hadn't even seen a rat in days and...) is stunned enough to actually do as he's told. And that's how it started.
> 
> <http://timedragonclock.tumblr.com/post/12544457193/my-moms-friend-adopted-this-lovely-dog-after-he>


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As requested by [Syxx](../../../users/Syxx/pseuds/Syxx), a visit to the vet.
> 
> Apparently I lied about this being a one-shot. Then again, this entire Animal series has a life of its own.

“Ready?” Fíli asked, glancing back at his little brother.

“Ready,” Kíli said and nodded. He swallowed. “Brother, I love you.”

“I love you too, Kíli,” Fíli replied. “If we don't make it...”  
  
“No,” Kíli protested and waved an oven mitt covered hand. “Don’t talk like that.”  
  
“You started it,” Fíli protested.  
  
“He’s just a cat,” Kíli said, lowering his voice in case said cat overheard him. “We can do this.”  
  
“Right.” Fíli pulled on his oven mitts. “It’s just a visit to the vet. It’s for his own good.”  
  
From the living room they heard what could only be described as a threatening meow.  
  
“You shouldn’t have said the V-word,” Kíli said slowly. “Now he _knows_.”  
  
-  
  
Plan Stuff-Thorin-Into-A-Kennel-And-Get-Him-To-The-Vet-Without-Blood-Being-Spilled, did _not_ work. On _any_ accounts. At _all_. Draw your own conclusions from that.  
  
And it also ended up making Bilbo upset with both boys as the Corgi rather suspected that they were planning on taking Thorin away.   
  
For the rest of that afternoon both animals curled up together beneath Fíli’s bed and they did not come out until Bilbo’s stomach complained that it was dinner loud enough to be heard to the kitchen. Then they came out, ate, and went back to sulk again. Kíli rather suspected that Thorin acted extra-upset to get Bilbo to fuss over him, because if anyone was the injured party around here, it was either him or Fíli as they were the ones covered in scratches.  
  
Clearly a plan B was needed.  
  
-  
  
Kíli read (“Oh lovely, lovely internet, how did anyone get anything done before you?”) that getting the carrier out well before the trip to the vet could help with getting the cat to familiarise itself with it, and then getting Thorin inside it wouldn’t be so tough.   
  
Well, it sounded good in theory, but it ended with Thorin coughing up a hairball just outside it and then defiantly kicking it inside the carrier with a scratch of his back legs.  
  
-  
  
Leaving cat treats around and in the carrier also sounded like it’d help lure Thorin into a position where they could just shut the door behind him, but the first time Kíli tried, Bilbo ended up eating all the treats; which earned him an upset stomach.   
  
The second time, Thorin was more interested in why Bilbo was shut behind the closed door to Kíli’s bedroom and scratched at it until the dog was released.  
  
The third time Thorin somehow managed to eat all the treats _and_ cough up another hairball without Kíli ever seeing the cat near the kennel.  
  
A new plan was clearly needed. But it was fairly cool that their cat had clear ninja-skills. Except that ninjas probably wouldn't leave hairballs. 

-  
  
Catnip… while it was funny to see Thorin act like a kitten, it was still a kitten who very much remembered that he had claws. New plan.  
  
-  
  
Wrapping him in a towel seemed like a workable idea. It wouldn’t hurt him, and they could then deposit a Thorin-burrito inside the kennel where he could unwrap himself. But apparently Thorin’s last owner had been an actualy ninja (or possibly a witch), because no matter how sneaky Fíli and Kíli tied to be, Thorin was always that bit faster and they could never manage to entirely cover him with the towel.  
  
-  
  
What finally did the trick was an old cell phone Kíli had begged from Ori.   
  
On it they managed to record Bilbo whining in a seriously sad and depressed way. But no reason to be alarmed, it was just from when Thorin had stayed out very late one night and Bilbo had been curled up in a miserable lump on the living room rug acting like his friend would never come back. It would still have been pretty sad, that is, if Kíli and Fíli hadn’t both known that this was how Bilbo also reacted to one of them going out with the garbage without letting him come along.   
  
But regardless, the sound of a sad Corgi (the actual Bilbo had been sneakily smuggled out of the flat by Fíli just shortly before) made Thorin’s ears pop up like a button had been pushed (erm, which it had, just not on the cat).  
  
The big, black cat jumped gracefully down from his place on the couch and quickly padded out into the hallway. When he couldn’t see the little dog he looked a bit suspicious, but just then a particularly sad whine came from the carrier (which Kíli had covered with a towel so it wasn’t actually possible to look inside it) and Thorin dashed up to save Bilbo from whatever horrible thing that was troubling him.  
  
As soon as Thorin’s head and shoulders were inside the kennel Kíli jumped out to 'help' get the rest inside as well. When he had managed to close the door the young man might possibly have done a little victory dance; Fíli wasn’t around to see, and Thorin wasn’t going to tell, so what did it hurt.  
  
Thorin’s yowl seemed to suggest that it did in fact hurt him. But the kennel was perfectly comfortable even for a cat of Thorin’s size, and the dance had been awesome, so Kíli tried to ignore him.  
  
_  
  
The car ride to the vet was about as much fun as driving spikes into your ear drums  and when Kíli finally was able to carry Thorin’s kennel inside the vet’s office he was struck by the sudden, _horrible_ realisation that he’d have to do this entire thing again, because surely the veterinary would require that Thorin was taken out of the kennel for the check-up. Which meant that he would somehow be required to go back in again. And then Kíli would have to drive him home again. Probably even more pissed as Thorin liked strangers abuot as much as Bilbo liked diet food.  
  
“Mind if I tell them that you’re stuck in there?” he asked Thorin.   
  
Judging by the low growl he got as a reply that was a definite yes. And probably a few choice curse words in Cat.  
  
Next time he was bloody well going to find a vet that did home visits.


End file.
